Nobody prepares you for this

It sounds so cliche, but in actuality, nobody really cana really prepare you for getting the news of a Cancer diagnosis. This disease if I can call it that, has a very big name in our world today, with a plethora of types and cases in the millions. No doubt we all know somebody who has it, had it or succumbed to it, and most often we remember those who don’t make it.

For most of my life it has been something out there that affected others, and at my relatively young age, I didn’t give it much mind. I have seen family and friends struggle with it to different degrees and some of the memories are heartbreaking to say the least, so you can imagine my view of the disease. However, this time it came knocking on my own door.

Everybody’s story is different and mine began with throat and sinus issues which I’ve had in the past so that was the first place to go. Initially it was blamed on acid reflux and I was treated for a few months, but it was not going away. One of the recommendations was to sleep elevated and that had an effect on my neck and head, which started hurting and I attributed the pain to the posture. Months passed without improvement, and it got to a point where the pain would fade but come back once the painkillers wore off. Sleep quality went to the dogs and I craved a good night’s sleep.

One Saturday afternoon, when I was lying on the sofa with a headache, my wife, in her wisdom, decided it was time to go to the emergency room. Best call to have been made at that point, and so I went. At the hospital, I gave my story and the investigation began. Initially, a CT/MRI scan was prescribed as well as ultrasound and Laryngoscopy. The Laryngoscopy was clear but there was a question raised by the ultrasound and the words the attendant used after seeing some nodules in my thyroid “it is not a death sentence” was my first cause for worry. It turned out to be not a problem. The CT scan was a different kettle of fish in that it was clear, and the next thing was some sinus surgery. So far, so good, I thought, but there was more to come the next day.

The scan had initially shown nothing, but on taking a second look they saw something”suspicous” in their words and that warranted further investigation using a biopsy. This second look ended up being what changed everything, as the sinus surgery was truncated once they went in and saw what they’d suspected. Even before I went into surgery, I saw a word in the notes that hit me hard “carcinoma,” which I know could only mean one thing but that was yet to be confirmed.  As I was wheeled into that theatre, a lot went through my mind, but I kept hoping it was not what I’d seen. The surgery itself was pretty quick and I came to a couple of hours later, and I felt my nose much clearer, and I was upbeat. However, a conversation I had later popped my balloon as things didn’t look quite that great. The next morning, the doctor gave me a briefing and told me it was something that could be melted away by radiation, but I still had 14 days to wait for the biopsy results. Even after that early news, I”d already started getting myself ready, and in a call to my best friend, I said” I’m ready to fight.”

“14 days? What an eternity,” I thought and imagined the gymnastics my mind would have to do in that uncertainty. In that state, going back to work was out of the question, and I had to excuse myself. Another call I made almost immediately was to a counsellor so that I could unpack the heavy news. Naturally, my mind went on overdrive and Dr Google didn’t help much to calm my nerves, and I was already seeing the sand going down in my life’s hourglass. The talk with the counsellor was very fruitful in giving me the needed perspective and hope to navigate that uncertain time.

A week later, I got a call from the hospital to go see the doctor. The news had come earlier than expected, which was a relief in part but added anxiety again. The wait seemed endless but eventually I went in to receive the news. I read the jargon in the report but the main news was underlined “Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma” with malignant in the description. So dumbfounded was I that I asked if it was benign or malignant, yet the words were right there. Heavy news, but to his credit, the doctor played the part of counsellor in helping me understand what the news means and how to navigate the implications in my life as well as how to deal with it through support systems, hopes , dreams and my faith. That gave me much more to work on as I began what felt like a totally new phase of life. One medical question was answered but there remained others like how bad is it? How long has it been there? What caused it? How long do I have? What are my chances? Etc.

An emotional rollercoaster does not begin to describe what happened next. When I went to the bathroom, I broke down and couldn’t imagine how to break the news to my nearest and dearest. It took a while to gather the courage to share the news, every time I told the story I would break down again until I chose to write instead of talk. 

As I was processing all of that I had to set an appointment with an oncologist a couple of days later, which gave me more depth on the treatment plan and diagnostics required. The problem was all this was happening before the long Easter weekend so some time would be lost but what to do? The next week I scheduled a PET-CT scan, which would give more information for the staging of the disease. More waiting, but luckily the doctor got to move it forward. As all this was happening, I am glad that my support system came in with lots of encouragement. Calls and prayers, as well as advice on seeking treatment options. Interestingly, one of the tools that got meto do the search was AI chatbots …

In terms of the PET scan, after scouring the internet on tips I got it done and that was the first silver lining in what had been a grey cloud so far. I mentioned this was needed for staging of the disease which determined the treatment plan as well as prognosis. The results indicated that there was some spread to nearby lymph nodes but no distant metastasis(spread) to other organs, which meant it was locally advanced. This eventually led to a stage 3 diagnosis. After weighing option locally and abroad, we settled on going to India and quickly set that process into motion. This period was the busiest with numerous calls, emails, doctor's appointments, and documentation, but I was blessed to have a great group of family and friends who gave me very good pointers.

The move to India also had major financial implications, and what happened next was miraculous. The outpouring of love manifested in word and deed made sure I was gone in record time. I will not tire to say thank you to all those who spared their time and money for me and may blessings follow you! Right now, as I sit here going through treatment, gratitude is my mantra, and I have so many things to be thankful for.

Getting to India meant another flurry of activity, seeing doctors for tests, but within the first 5 days, I was receiving my first dose of medication. As expected chemotherapy has its side effects, but there’s nothing major so far, and I look forward to getting better. 

One of the major pieces of advice I’ve been getting is about attitude. Nobody prepared me for this but I am here now and a positive attitude will go a long way in aiding my recovery. The medicine will be harsh as expected, but I have to keep reminding myself it is to make me better. A close friend told me not to get into a mindset of doom, and that is important and I have to choose hope every day.

Another thing that hit me is considering my mortality. In life, as a young person, I make plans not knowing what the future holds, then this thing comes that puts that ticking clock right in my face. I do not know what the future holds, so my best bet is to focus on getting well today. In any case, none of us knows how we will leave this place, and that keeps those doom thoughts out of my mind.

In essence, it is taking it one day at a time, enjoying the wins and fighting the battles with the disease. 

Thank you for reading

A Conversation on Tribe

Over the holiday season I had an interesting conversation. I had gone to my ancestral home in Meru for a funeral and ran into an unlikely acquaintance so we sat next to each other and got talking. On that day a lot was happening on the Kenyan political scene as that was when Musalia Mudavadi was dumped by the Jubilee coalition and so the conversation as is common in this season drifted towards politics.

He said something interesting along the lines that there should be some basic requirements to register as a voter. Not necessarily educational ones but that a basic grasp of issues is a prerequisite, perhaps a couple of questions to find out. For instance he gave an example of how he asked people in his home area which is Vihiga who they will vote for. An answer he got was “Mudavadi mtu wetu na kama si yeye Raila kwa sababu anatoka hapa karibu” (Mudavadi because he's our man and if not him Raila because he's from nearby”) That is the kind of answer that got him thinking of such drastic requirements for registration. I am pretty certain that is the same kind of answer you would get if you asked in other home areas of presidential candidates. He went on to say that we in Nairobi are exposed and can think of other political questions which are being asked by the so called progressive candidates but the rank and file Kenyan is still in the tribal mode of thinking. So we can sing as many songs about Peter Kenneth or Martha Karua but the reality on the ground is people don't even know who he is.

As we continued talking we went deeper into the tribal question. He is of mixed parentage – Luhya and Giriama so he was exposed to ethnic diversity at a young age. He is also married to a woman from Meru adding more to the mix. However others are not as opened up. He talked of the kind of conversations people have in the rural areas which are ethnically homogeneous. Some people for instance in Western would say “Kikuyus are like this and that” and when you ask whether they know any they say they don't. Then the question would be where they got such and idea then the answer would be “ I heard my father say it. “ So a person grows up having a certain idea in their head about people from another area based not on interaction but prejudice handed down from their parents. The same can be said the other way around about a Kikuyu in Central being asked about Luhyas. These ideas come to the fore a lot during the common inter-ethnic marriages of our day and of course in politics. I've mentioned these closed conversations before in this post. It's sad that we are programming our children with prejudice like that. For some of us who grew up in the city interaction with other communities from a young age was the order of the day and we never really made a distinction.

However somewhere along the way we start looking down on others we grew up with for example on the practice of circumcision for boys after completing primary school. We start thinking we are men and the others are boys and that kind of thing but it's just a cultural practice. Kenya is a diverse country within itself and instead of using that as a strength in the even more diverse global marketplace we are concentrating on petty differences which looking at it critically really don't amount to much. For me the real matters of concern in the coming election is not where somebody was born or where their parents were but how the government will be better in providing services first and in creating an environment for empowerment of every citizen. As we go along there will be differences but we can look beyond amorphous concepts like tribe and look into others that really determine our welfare. We did not choose where to be born and can not change that fact but it needn't be an impediment to free thinking and self determination and freedom of choice.

There is this habit of the media to lump Kenyans into groups and talk of Luhya vote, Kalenjin vote, Kikuyu vote etc. I call that out as load of tripe ( pun intended) as I doubt there is no individual called Luhya or Kikuyu. We have millions of people with millions of individual votes and this grouping and labeling is an insult to the intelligence and uniqueness of each of us. In the end the one with the most individual votes cast will win. I know it will take a while for our country to evolve socially but really the idea of my people should be replaced with the idea of me and what matters to me!

In other news... Happy new year everybody!

30. You have only one life, live it to the maximum

You only get one shot at this short life. It has it's ups and downs, good and bad, you gain some you lose some and the world keeps on spinning. As long as you're breathing and on this side you got something to be thankful and an opportunity to do a lot so as they say eat it with a big spoon. Laugh, love, go places, meet people, do things, make your contribution and most of all always remember to acknowledge God in everything that you do.

This is the last of my numbered posts for now. In case you've been wondering what it's all about it's not a countdown to my wedding as some people first thought so girls don't worry... Anyway the reason is today is my 30th birthday, yep the big 3 0 , quite a milestone in my few years on this Earth and I thought of doing a post about 30 things from my 30 years. Lessons I've learnt and I'm still learning and some I'm yet to get grips with about life, work, God, people and relationships. I had a few bright ideas at first but the number was quite large and I decided to do daily posts to spread them out. Sometimes I would be inspired and write many at a go and other times the trickle was slow. However I'm happy to finally have put my 'sage' skills to good use. Hope you enjoyed reading.

 This is just the beginning and I pray God will give me many more. I'm thankful for these first 30, the experiences I've had, the friends I've made and looking forward to the next 30!

The beauty of having a birthday at the end of the year is that everything fits in so well chronologically so as 2011 ends I wish you all a prosperous 2012.

God bless you all!

29. You reap what you sow

The good book says in Galatians 6: 7 "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap."
One of the universal laws, if you plant potatoes you get potatoes not beans, what you invest is what you get back. This is not only restricted to Agriculture but to life as well. n that bible chapter we are told that we sow in the flesh, we reap destruction and we sow in the spirit we reap eternal life. In the prayer of St Francis of Assisi he asks to sow love where there is hatred, hope where there is despair etc, truly noble goals.
Wherever we go we have a choice as to what seed to sow, good seed or bad seed, invest in the wrong things or in the right things.
What seed are you sowing? Where are you sowing the seed?

28. Think before you talk /leap

This one is pretty much self explanatory. You can avoid a whole lot of trouble if you measure your words before they come outta your mouth.

Similarly before you do something take sometime to consider and weigh.

27. Not everybody will like you so it's pointless trying to make them

Fame is deceptive. One moment you're selling like hotcakes the next you are in the gutter and few remain consistently popular thanks to the capricious public. However looking for fame for fame's sake is not a very worthwhile pursuit as we've seen some big stars end up dying miserably such as Michael Jackson.

Though not all of us are pop stars or movie stars we all enjoy being liked but the fact is not everybody will like you out there. There are some who you won't get along with, some who are just simply destructive so spending time being a people pleaser is not worth it. Best be yourself and the real people will appreciate you for what you really are, the rest will sort themselves out!

26. Celebrate the differences

There's this funny quote that goes "You're unique just like everybody else" I'm not here to debate the oxymoron but to appreciate that everybody is different. You'll never find another you and how boring it would be if we were all the same. Variety truly is the spice of life and meeting people from different backgrounds and who've had a different life experience is always an interesting experience.

One thing I've come to see about us human beings is that we will always find a way to divide ourselves be it based on religion, race, social standing, ethnicity, football club etc. What''s even more sad is when we use this differences as a basis for conflict e.g religious differences in Northern Ireland, the numerous tribal conflicts in Africa. What's worse is that even some of the same ethnicity decide to fight each other based on clan differences like in Somalia. Makes you ask the question can't we all just get along? Can we ever embrace unity in diversity and understand our differences are not a reason to fight but to stick together?

Something else closely related to this is that as humans we often fear what we don't understand. This is played out a lot in the social sphere where we fear new people who we don't understand, sometimes even concocting stories about them. For example some tribes are said to be cannibals and such kind of things and in some communities in the US people fearing blacks ans Hispanics because of crime. WE even go to the extent of spreading so called FUD- fear uncertainty and doubt about the unknown, pretty common in the computer world for instance Microsoft telling people stories about Linux when it was knew. We needn't fear but rather take time to understand that which is new.

I'm learning that as I go along in life I will encountered many who I differ with and have to learn to get along. After all what is war good for? absolutely nothing. This is very relevant in Kenya where we are trying to build ethnic cohesion, let's laugh at each others quirks and get along not use it as a cause for conflict as we did in the last elections

25. You can't know everything that's why what you get in University is just a degree

First of all. Merry Christmas everybody! First time I've ever posted on this day!

Now back to business. This is pretty much an obvious statement. Nobody holds the monopoly of knowledge in the world. More so in this age when there is so much information flying around and being generated in a daily basis. I once read that from a newspaper in a major city you can learn more than people a couple of centuries ago did their entire lives! How about that? crazy huh? So it would be silly to think that you know it all, in any case who likes a Mr. know it all. In my younger days I used to be labelled a 'mjuaji' (know it all- hey even at some point I was branded a walking encyclopedia) most likely due to thinking my classroom prowess meant I knew everything in the world. Time has shown me quite the opposite and I'm all the wiser what's more with information at our fingertips nobody looks quite that sharp any more- Google has mad it so hard to win arguments!- but I digress.

We can only get to know so much in our short lives so I have come to accept that many times I'll be in a position of ignorance and have to listen to others more knowledgeable than me. Similarly when dealing with people learning to be patient knowing that Rome wasn't built in a day, you can't just know somebody at a sitting,  it takes a life time.

This ties in a lot to the previous point of continuous learning. Nobody knows it all

24. Without God life becomes empty and meaningless

In the book of Ecclesiastes the preacher son of David, king in Jerusalem starts off by telling us how it is all vanity Chapter 1 verse 2 and laments on his pursuit of things that he thought mattered in life. This is a rich man talking, a wise man too he had so much going for him that a lot of us look for but he still came to the conclusion that it is all vanity.

Makes you wonder how such a 'successful' man would reach such a conclusion. I mean this is a guy who had it all- power, money, wisdom, entertainment, etc. However at the very end he says "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man" Chapter 12 verse 13. Throughout the book he remembers the sovereignty of God in everything and though many things down here don't make sense he ultimately has the answer.

A lot in life doesn't make sense and is beyond us. We also ask the ultimate question- why am I here? A lot of the answers lie with our maker, the manufacturer knows the product best so it is with us and our God. Only He can fill that vacuum within our hearts for a sense of meaning and belonging. The best relationship we can ever have is with our almighty God. Do you have that relationship? are you living the abundant life that Jesus promised to his sheep? - John 10:10.

23. You will not be remembered for your possessions but the mark you left in people's hearts

Alert: this is post number 100!

In the last few months I've attended quite a number of funerals in the last few months and listened to many Euologies. As usual people dwell on the good the departed have done. In all those numerous speeches memories that were left are recounted from loved ones, friends and colleagues. Laughs you had good things you did together and the impact made in the life of those left behind. Some of those who passed away were wealthy and though their achievements may have been mentioned it was just in passing.Nobody talked about the big cars, land or houses that were left. What mattered more was the people. It is great to acquire wealth but in the final analysis you'll leave it here and your descendants will enjoy it. So as we live our lives physical capital is not the most important but the 'human capital' i.e the impact we have on the people around us. SO go ahead and build those memories!

22. Accept when you're wrong

We al make mistakes and though we may not realise it at first the reality dawns on us later. Nobody is perfect and so we'll do something wrong. However once we do what's important  is to agree and make amends. Goes a long way as opposed to sweeping stuff under the carpet. It's not the sweetest but every now and then we eat humble pie. Even the first step in recovery is to admit you have a problem in the first place

Even to receive God's forgiveness we start by confession. 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

21. Words are powerful

Words have the power to build and the power to destroy. An often quoted bible verse is "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" proverbs 18: 21. What we say with our mouths can work out for the good and also the bad for the hearers and for ourselves too. We can discourage as well as encourage ourselves by the words we confess and make things happen due to words that shape our attitudes and inspire our actions. Taken literally somebody's death can be declared by somebody else's decree but I've noticed there's another power that lies in words. A couple of times I've heard people wish death upon upon themselves and sure enough it came and took them. Serious it's not superstition I've seen it happen which made me wonder afresh about the meaning of that statement. Probably those negative words affected their will to live and it's not that they were terminally ill or anything but in good health.

Closer to home in Kenya in 2007-2008 we saw people displaced and killed due to careless words spoken by so called 'leaders'. Same can be said in countless other instances all over the world. On the other side words of encouragement and positivity from leaders have brought change and transformation in peoples lives all around. All it takes is the right words at the tight time.

So we see the tongue wields great power and can change situations- that power is to be used wisely. Speak positive and you'll get positive results, speak negative and you'll reap negative results!

20. Proper prior preparation prevents poor performance

Practice makes perfect goes the old proverb. Nothing can substitute good preparation.
I remember in high school before any event we had to go through vigorous rehearsals to make sure everything is right. In my time I've also participated in a number of drama productions and know how important preparation is. every time you see a good performance on stage, you best believe a lot of work went into that. Of course we all know about exams and how we must prepare for them.

Generally for whatever we do, good preparation makes a world of difference, let the day not find you unprepared. Remember the story of the virgins in Matthew 25? the wise ones were ready when the bridegroom came.

Don't get caught out, be ready!

19. The closer you are to somebody the more likely they are to piss you off

This is so very true I'll repost something i wrote a couple of years back...

One thing in life is the people closest to you are the ones who have the greatest effect on you. They can give you the happiest moments and the saddest moments. It's easy to think that life is all clear blue skies and when a cloudy patch comes up you wonder what's up and think that something major is wrong.

One of the scriptures that is frequently quoted with respect to friendship is proverbs 27:17- " Iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend" (KJV)

Now consider how this happens, two knives do not sit up next to each other warm and cosy and then they magically become sharp. No what happens is they strike each other and sometimes sparks fly, that's how it goes down. Similarly with our friends there can be those heated moments which come up when due to our humanity our flaws become evident. Nobody's perfect and so we do not see eye to eye all the time but we can build each other using the right words and end up being the better.

Let me quote Dr. James Dobson who put it so well in his book "Life on the edge"

" Whenever two human beings spend time together, sooner or later they will probably irritate one another. This is true of best friends, married couples, parents and children, or teachers and students. The question is: How to respond when friction occur? There are four basic ways they can react.

- internalize anger and send it downwards into a memory bank that never forgets. This creates great pressure within and can even result in disease and other problems

- They can pout and be rude without discussing the issues. This further irritates the other person and leaves him or her to draw his or her own conclusions about what the problem may be.

-they can blow up and they to hurt the other person. This causes the death of friendships, marriages, homes and businesses.

- Or they can talk to one another about their feelings, being very careful not to attack the dignity and worth of the other person. This approach often leads to permanent and healthy relationships."

And I end with the words of Psalm 133:1 "Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell in unity"

18. Do not put all your eggs in one basket

Now this is one concept I have come to have close knowledge of in my short life. It is wise to think of eventualities and cover your risk because if the plan of action you have chosen fails to go as planned it's best to have something to fall back on. It really hits you when the worst that could have happened does and it finds you unprepared. Tough lesson to learn but all the wiser...

17. Be grateful

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
In Luke 17 there were 10 lepers healed by Jesus Christ but only one came back to give thanks.

Gratitude is a wonderful thing, I bet everybody likes receiving words or deeds of appreciation, more so God Himself who though we don't usually acknowledge has already done so much for us. When some things are going bad there's always the small stuff to be thankful for, it may be good health, family, friends a job etc. Not that we should be complacent where we are but when yo look at it there's always something to be thankful for- it's never really that bad.

So every once in a while take some time  to say thanks and appreciate God and the people around you!

16. Use the magic words- please, sorry and thank you

They always go a long way! Politeness and gratitude are marks of refinement and will make it much easier to get along with everybody. Not much explanation needed there...

15. Don't expect too much from politicians

Politicians! We love to hate them don't we? Overpaid, under worked, liars, etc... If there's one thing Kenyans love talking about is politics. Even the news bulletins have a good amount of time dedicated to their shenanigans and 'misquoted' statements. Many have moaned about them in the Blogosphere and this is not another rant just a reality check. Every 5 years they do the same thing- come to us with promises of utopia then once they get to business they forget the masses who brought them in and dwell on their own stomachs. Sadly during the last elections some lost their lives in support of these guys.

Granted there are a few good apples in the basket the truth is there's a difference between good politicians and good leaders. The visionaries are few and far between while the tribal chieftains and demagogues are a plenty. Sometimes I think we put so much faith in them to take us forward yet it is the businessmen, entrepreneurs and thinkers who takes us forward. This looking for messiahs  in politicians is sad because we get sidetracked by smooth words and don't realise the hands that have been stuck in our pockets and the broken promises.

Basically we as the individual citizens have the power to determine our destiny through our hard work and votes. Let's give credit to the hard workers and shun the empty cans which make a lot of noise. Our future lies in our hands those guys riding in big cars and sitting in expensive chairs are not the answer to all our problems

14. No is a perfectly good answer- to give and receive

In the movie Yes Man Jim Carrey says yes to everything after attending a motivational seminar. At first it releases him but later on he discovers you can't say yes to everybody, you have to draw the line somewhere lest you spread yourself too thin or wear yourself out. Common wisdom that, as much as you would like to be the 'nice guy' at some point you have to realise your limitations and just say no without feeling guilty about it. You can't please everybody so at some point you have to say no to people who are well meaning for all intents and purposes.

Conversely I've come to realise that you also have to be prepared to hear no too. It could be in the form of a job that you thought was yours- been there or a relationship that didn't quite go the way you wanted. Some doors have to be shut for others to open and you see that everything doesn't go your way all the time. Rejection matures you and reminds you that you are not infallible or invincible and that these things do happen but dust yourself up and try again.

13. Beware of anger

Anger is a powerful emotion and we all at one time get angry, pretty much unavoidable as they are annoyances all over especially if you drive on Kenyan roads but that's not my topic for today. As much as it's unavoidable how we deal with it is a totally different matter. It is so easy to do and say stupid things when in a fit of rage and I can attest to that myself and one of the hings I've learnt is that managing it is very important and one of the hallmarks of wisdom.

The bible says"A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,  but he who is slow to anger quiets contention." Proverbs 15:18 and also says "Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly." Proverbs 14:29 Here we see the wisdom of being slow to anger, can be simply taking a breath before blowing your top but it helps. Sometimes we may thing we're "keeping it real" when we get all pissed and drop f- bombs and such but when you've calmed down you realise perhaps there was a better way to deal with it.

A good example is what we see on the football pitch for instance Wayne Rooney is a talented football player but every now and then the 'red mist' gets the better of him and he pays the price through red cards and suspensions. Who can forget Zinedine Zidane one of the greatest footballers of our era who took his final bow with a red card thanks to a head butt resulting from anger.

The list goes on and on... In conclusion- we'll get angry but what happens next is up to us. Peace!